Confession Four of a Chronically Ill Mother

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Confession #4

I'm tired of always being needed, yet I'd miss it if I weren't.

Life is crazy and then I'm constantly ill.

There is no reprieve for me. Ever.

I'm perpetually on the clock. 

There is no down time to catch my breath.

When I try to enjoy a break, I'm piled with guilt - 

sometimes self-guilt, sometimes guilt by others.

It always happens that when I'm so sick I can't function, as in laid up, somebody chooses then to fuss at me for being a less than stellar homemaker. They're probably right, but their timing really stinks. It's rather disheartening.

A strange thing has happened that has everyone a little thrown off, I think. God has used my illness to push me to take time to write. I've produced my first novel and am working on a second. I think maybe they don't realize that my writing career was born out of my illness. I write to keep from going crazy. If all I did was twiddle my thumbs when I'm not well enough to cook and clean and do laundry, I'd go nuts! I started writing to give my mind safe, active exercise. And now, God is using that writing to bless others. Do I need to balance my life? Absolutely! Is it easy? Sigh.... It's overwhelming. It's become one more thing in my life to balance, because now I can't just write at my own whim or when I have the time. Now, I have to add it to my priorities.

Honestly, I'm tired. So very tired. I feel like I'm swimming up a mountainside. Seriously! But God has put this in my life and I have to figure out how this puzzle piece fits into the scheme.

I have a friend who would pamper me if she lived close and I'd be happy to let her, but she's several states away so I'm on my own. How do you deal with the  priorities in your life? What do you do when you're overwhelmed?

"Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns

Confession Three of a Chronically Ill Mother

Life's Vital & Important Things in Life

Confession #3

I've been told, "Mothers can't afford to get sick. They don't have time to be sick. Everyone depends on them." 

Yet, I live in constant illness

It's exhausting.

It's frustrating.

It's humiliating. 

My illness forces me to prioritize by discerning the vital things from the very important things from the still important things. My life is like this pile of paperclips. The vital things are the white clips. The very important are the pink clips. The lesser but still important things are the blue clips. All the other colors are things that are good and important and even vital by most people's standards, but things I have to push aside because I don't have the necessary energy or physical capability to do it all. On top of that, the colors change from day to day so I have to weed through this very tangled to-do pile to figure out which things are white, which are pink, which are blue... and there's never a guarantee I'll be able to do more than the white things. When you have a husband and four boys, your priorities are in constant flux. There are too many days when my priorities look more like one big colorful blur and I don't always make the right decisions. 

I strive to depend on God for grace, do my best, and trust God with it all. It's the only way I stay sane. 

What do I do when people say things like "mom's don't have time to be sick"? Honestly? My heart bleeds. I feel, soul deep, every loss my illness costs me and my family. Losses we experience on a daily basis. Yet I'm reminded once again to look to Jesus for comfort and strength. Isn't that what he wants? Doesn't God want all of us to look to him for our comfort and strength and grace no matter what we face in life?

Confession Two of a Chronically Ill Mother

Confession #2

Lyme disease killed my biggest dream and I mourn the loss every day.

As a young woman, my only career goals were to be a good and Godly wife and mother. I wanted to encourage, love, and support my husband. I wanted to teach my kids all about Jesus. I wanted to homeschool them and give them the best opportunities possible. I wanted to fill their bellies with yummy, nutritious food. I wanted to keep a perfect house and bake cookies for them every week. I wanted to do and be so many things. I could see this dream play out in my head, yet day after day, failure after failure, illness after illness that dream crumbled, eroded, and died at my feet.

There isn't a day that goes by in which I don't mourn the loss of my dreams in some form or fashion. The hopelessness and helplessness I feel as I strive to do the things I should (and could do if I were healthy), but can't is so overwhelming. Just like I can't bring a loved one back from the grave, neither can I be the person I once was or the person I once dreamed of becoming. It is a loss that never ends.

I must take comfort in God's grace. Only Jesus can give me the faith and confidence that God knows all about it, that he loves me and will do what is best for me. He reminds me that I can trust him. I must trust him and in the new dreams he has birthed in me.

Is it easy to trust that this is all for my good? No. Do I ever stop grieving the loss of my former dreams? No. It effects me and my family in very tangible ways every single day. Do I wallow in self-pity over something I have no control over? Sometimes. Frequently. Too often. Do I believe God's plan for me is better than my own? I do believe it, but I constantly pray for God to help when I don't believe it.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, 

so are my ways higher than your ways 

and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9, ESV

Do you have crushed dreams? Do you trust God with them?