After months of suffering from severe headaches among many other symptoms, I finally have what I hope is good news. My doctor said that all of my symptoms point to the Bartonella infection. and that I am herxing from Bartonella die-off. He wants me to take a break from the antibiotic until the middle of January and then start a new one to take for three months. It is his opinion and hope that at the end of the three months I will be symptom free. I've been on antibiotics long enough that he believes the Lyme infection should be gone and once we take care of the Bartonella bacteria, I should finally be well. Let's hope and pray!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
~Linnette
The Loneliness of Lyme
I lump my Lyme blog readers into three basic categories: 1) those who are curious; 2) those who are chronically ill; and 3) those who truly care and want to know. So, forgive me if you read anything shocking here or if you find a different Linnette than you're used to seeing. It's not that I'm two different people. It's that I've learned that most people don't really want to know, so I protect them from the reality of my debilitating disease as much as possible (and I've decided that this blog will be my dumping ground).
No. People want to see my smile. They want to take comfort in that I'm a strong and happy person. Nobody likes to deal with needy people, after all. They're too inconvenient. Too demanding. Too self-absorbed. Can't participate in the normal give and take of relationships.
Maybe the current administration has it correct. Maybe we should euthanize those who aren't healthy, those who burden rather than contribute to society. Put us all out of our misery and yours. Wouldn't that make life so much simpler for all? Then, healthy people can live happy lives, unencumbered by those who hold them back from living a full life.
I'll be the first to agree that euthanasia is murder. But, sometimes when you get to feeling desperate you have thoughts enter your brain that you would never otherwise consider in a million years.
Deitrich Bonhoeffer said, "We must learn to regard people less in light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer." Now, here was a man who knew what it meant to suffer! This quote gives me a kinship with him that I have with few.
I realize I'm self-absorbed. I try not to be. But, how do you deal with being sick all the time and not become a little selfish? People sympathize with cancer patients, diabetic patients, heart disease patients - even mono patients and fibro patients are starting to become more understood. But, Lyme disease? An illness you can't see with your eyes? An illness that simply makes you look lazy and self-absorbed? An illness for which there is little proof or help or relief? No. Lyme disease leads to a very lonely life. Sick people fighting to live normal lives yet get knocked down because we don't appear to be trying hard enough - when in reality we're giving more of ourselves than anybody.
A friend asked me one time how I keep from shooting myself and my family (since they are ill with Lyme, too). He asked half in jest, but there was a glint of frank seriousness in his eyes. It threw me for a moment. I'm not used to people taking me seriously and being so sympathetic. My only answer to his question was and is God's grace.
So, what brought all this on? Weariness with it all. Tired of putting on a facade for a world that doesn't care anyway - even though that facade is more armor against emotional and psychological pain than anything else. But, the naked truth is I'm weary of the pain, the neurological symptoms, the weakness, the fatigue, the loneliness, the vulnerability, the having to say "I can't" or "I don't feel well enough" or "that would take too much out of me and make me ill." I'm tired of rejection over something I have no control over. I'm tired of the guilt that consumes me for not being the wife and mother and friend and hostess I'm supposed to be...that I want to be. But, there is no escaping. It's everpresent...a living hell.
No. People want to see my smile. They want to take comfort in that I'm a strong and happy person. Nobody likes to deal with needy people, after all. They're too inconvenient. Too demanding. Too self-absorbed. Can't participate in the normal give and take of relationships.
Maybe the current administration has it correct. Maybe we should euthanize those who aren't healthy, those who burden rather than contribute to society. Put us all out of our misery and yours. Wouldn't that make life so much simpler for all? Then, healthy people can live happy lives, unencumbered by those who hold them back from living a full life.
I'll be the first to agree that euthanasia is murder. But, sometimes when you get to feeling desperate you have thoughts enter your brain that you would never otherwise consider in a million years.
Deitrich Bonhoeffer said, "We must learn to regard people less in light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer." Now, here was a man who knew what it meant to suffer! This quote gives me a kinship with him that I have with few.
I realize I'm self-absorbed. I try not to be. But, how do you deal with being sick all the time and not become a little selfish? People sympathize with cancer patients, diabetic patients, heart disease patients - even mono patients and fibro patients are starting to become more understood. But, Lyme disease? An illness you can't see with your eyes? An illness that simply makes you look lazy and self-absorbed? An illness for which there is little proof or help or relief? No. Lyme disease leads to a very lonely life. Sick people fighting to live normal lives yet get knocked down because we don't appear to be trying hard enough - when in reality we're giving more of ourselves than anybody.
A friend asked me one time how I keep from shooting myself and my family (since they are ill with Lyme, too). He asked half in jest, but there was a glint of frank seriousness in his eyes. It threw me for a moment. I'm not used to people taking me seriously and being so sympathetic. My only answer to his question was and is God's grace.
So, what brought all this on? Weariness with it all. Tired of putting on a facade for a world that doesn't care anyway - even though that facade is more armor against emotional and psychological pain than anything else. But, the naked truth is I'm weary of the pain, the neurological symptoms, the weakness, the fatigue, the loneliness, the vulnerability, the having to say "I can't" or "I don't feel well enough" or "that would take too much out of me and make me ill." I'm tired of rejection over something I have no control over. I'm tired of the guilt that consumes me for not being the wife and mother and friend and hostess I'm supposed to be...that I want to be. But, there is no escaping. It's everpresent...a living hell.
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