Confessions of a Chronically Ill Mother

What do you think? Do you like the title? My dear friend Shanna Groves is deaf and has a book out called, "Confessions of a Lip-Reading Mom". One of her Facebook posts inspired me today and I thought that maybe I should start some confessions of my own. If I did, here would be:

Confession #1: I'm not invincible.

Yes, my body might take a beating and keep on ticking, but I'm really not invincible and some day this disease is going to conquer - at least humanly speaking. In reality, it's conquering will actually set me free. Some day, I will dance with Jesus. No pain. No fatigue. No tight chest. No breathlessness - except for holy breathlessness that being with Jesus brings. No body-going-into-shock experiences. No blurry vision. No migraines. No achy arms from simply brushing my hair. I will dance. I will fly. I will be filled with eternal bliss, because those who belong to Jesus and know torment in this life will know the greatest joy in the next. Oh death, where is your sting...

Lyme Pain

I haven't written in a while, I know. I just haven't felt like talking about the Lyme. I've been dealing with a massive increase in pain and decrease in strength. I haven't been in treatment for two plus years. I'm sure the disease is eating away at me, but I'm at a loss as to what to do. I often feel like I'm too far gone to ever get well.

I've decided to experiment with a couple things. Water and antioxidant "therapy". This isn't an actual Lyme therapy, just something I want to try. I'll start with: drinking more water, ending a hot shower with cold water for circulatory issues, and taking more vitamins a, b, c, d, and other antioxidants. I can't afford Lyme treatment, but I can't afford to do nothing, either. I have my hubby and boys to take care of.

There's a chiropractor close by I want to try out. Some nerves in my neck and upper back need addressing as I'm pretty certain they're pinched. Maybe taking care of that will take care of some of my pain. I'll have to let you know how that goes.

On a side note, I've decided it's time to write for Public Health Alert's Faith Factor section again. Emotionally, I think I've finally rounded a bend in the road and am better equipped to write on this subject again. God has been using this Scripture verse to remind me where some much needed help lies. I don't know when I'll get my first article written, but prayers for wisdom would be appreciated.

Lyme ~ Defeat or Victory?

I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of saying I'm tired. I'm just plain tired.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm just going to have to take the best possible care I can of myself and my boys and leave it at that. Will the Lyme ever be gone? I don't think so. All I can do at this point is maintain the best I can. I'm changing our eating habits to a large degree. I'm purchasing supplements we can't afford. Once the boys are on their own, it will be up to them to maintain and find the help they need to continue on with their lives. I hate that feeling of letting go, yet I know it's coming. I had hoped I could get them well before they traversed into their own lives, but it doesn't look like it's gonna happen. They will have to figure out what works for them and just do it. I hate the struggles I know they will face. The frustrations. I know because I have muddled through them all. I hope they will always know and believe that we are here for them. Their support system.

Nutrition. Eating whole foods. Avoiding junk food. Avoiding genetically modified foods. Less sugar. More water. Juicing for nutrients and enzymes. It's all we can do. It's frustrating beyond belief, but I have to let it go and leave God in charge. The fighting only brings more stress.

I know I say this today. I'll probably be eating my words within 24 hours, but this is what I need to do. God help us!

Pain ~ What Do I Do With It?

~ by Linnette R Mullin, Author ~ All Rights Reserved

It's been a while since I've posted. Life has been crazy, busy, and unbelievably hard. There are always highlights. There are always the roses along the vine of life and they do dull the pain of the thorns. But I get weary. You know? Life is toilsome and wearisome. Thank God I have heaven to look forward to. No more pain. No more tears. I long for the day.

We've had one sickness after another in our family and my body has had enough. I tried to lay down to rest. All I could think about was the pain. My body is exhausted. It needs rest. Real rest. Everlasting rest. But it's not time, yet. I have work I must finish here first. I have boys who need me. Three are entering adulthood in the next four years. And I just landed a contract for my first novel. I'm excited. I experienced a euphoria I haven't felt in years. God is good and I'm confident he will use my novel to help others. But my body is tired. Internally, it is battered and  broken. I'm not sure there's any healing for it in this life.

I'm so numb with over-all body pain that something has to really scream at me to tell me a pain is different or new. As I laid in my bed to rest earlier, my internal pain was having a hissy fit. My organs hurt. I think even my lungs hurt now, along with the muscle wall to my rib-cage. That's new. At least as far as I can tell. I'd be curious to have my body studied once I'm gone. I'd like to know what they'd find... see the affects of life long, possibly congenital, Lyme's disease. My muscles hurt. My joints are starting to pain me. My nerve flares make me feel like my skin is constantly burning with electrical fire worse than ever before. I can feel every layer of my skin.

Beyond the constant mounting of my pain level, I'm exhausted. Some days I'm so weak I can barely hold myself up. I used to tremble a lot. I still have spells of trembling, but somehow I think I'm beyond that. I'm too weak to even tremble. I literally have to think about making my body hold itself up. Not always, but far too often. I don't know how to describe it to help you understand what I'm saying. I just... I have to think about it. I can't walk across the room and think about other things. I have to think about walking or I'll run into things or stumble around like a drunk person. I have to really focus to keep my balance. I'm just thankful my legs aren't giving out on me. Yet. I'm also losing appetite and losing weight. Losing weight is good. I'm just not sure its good to lose it this way.

There are a gazillion questions that run through my mind. Cancer? Malnutrition? Infections? Damage from infections or meds or die-off or all of it? I don't know what the source of my pain is anymore. I haven't been in treatment for over a year now. Did I mention the rash that popped up after I quit treatment? It was partly fungal, but it's deeper than that. At a glance, a former doctor thinks its a Bartonella rash. Don't know.

I simply don't know anymore. What do I do? We don't have money to run test after test just for the doctors to tell me they don't know what's wrong with me. It's all very frustrating and overwhelming. We simply don't have money. And I don't have energy to do all that running back and forth to a doctor. Even the people who go the nutritional route... there are so many varying opinions between them all until
I don't know which way to turn. My research leaves me exhausted, frustrated, and ready to give up. Just let me crawl into my bed, curl into a ball surrounded by layers of warm, cozy blankets, and go home to Jesus. But it doesn't work that way, does it?

There is one thing I do know.

Some day, heaven...