Sometimes Realism Stinks

Warning! This post is not for those who don't really want to know. However, if you want to step into one of my bad days with me, keep reading.

It's been a rough day. We had a terrific storm that came through yesterday and the barometric pressure that came with it was astounding. The head-to-toe bone-deep achy pain was nearly unbearable. If you've never had severe chronic pain, you have no idea how exhausting it is to fight and work against the pain, constantly, day in and day out, every minute with no relief or end in sight. It can become quite maddening. Death becomes more desirable than living.

As the day wore on today, the pain eased a tidbit, but the exhaustion is such that I've been weepy and irritable. It's a weird exhaustion - not a healthy one. I get up to do the least little thing and sweat starts pouring as my body overheats. This is not an everyday experience, thankfully. But there are days like today when I can't do anything without perspiring bucketfuls. The only good thing is that it seems to work some of the toxins out of my muscles and makes them a bit less achy (but only the muscles - bone pain remains).

My migraines have been more frequent lately. I'm not sure what is up with that. Just when I decided it was related to hormones, they changed up on me. Thankfully, my doctor gave me a new migraine med that works. I just wish I didn't need yet another medication.

I wish I could live pain free. Will I ever feel better in this life? I'd be such a different, more energetic person and capable of accomplishing so much more! I know God knows what He's doing, but while that fact may be comforting most of the time, I still have to work through moments like these. What would it be like to not have to micro-manage my entire existence? I can't pick up toys because it makes me dizzy. I can't sweep and mop floors without feeling the added pain for days afterward. Laundry has to be done in stages which leaves a constant flow in the living room and down the hall to my washer. Cleaning bathrooms? It's the same result as mopping. That's only part of household duties. There's also dealing with teenage boys and a four-year-old - emotional and mental exhaustion. Then, there's the need to take care of my hubby. Being a wife and mother is already the most demanding job on the planet. Add chronic illness to the mix and it's overwhelming at the very best.

Concerning pain, I'll give you a glimpse by describing the pain in my hands. I feel my bones. I feel my joints. I feel my ligaments. I feel each layer of skin. I feel individual parts of my hands. That's not normal. The types of feeling varies. There are aches. There is sharp pain. There is soreness. There is burning pain. There is a numb-like pain. There is stiffness. There are twitches that come and go. My skin feels like it's pulled tight over the bones. My hands feel swollen and bony at the same time - thick, yet hollow and airy. There are too many sensations to name every one and that's just my hands. I started at the top of my head one day, determined to list every kind of pain, feeling, sensation all the way down to my toes. I had quite a list by the time I reached my shoulders an hour later and gave up. I wanted to cry. So, I abandoned that ideal, deciding it wasn't a healthy thing for me to do. Thinking about it only makes me feel the intensity I usually spend all my energy working hard to ignore.

I know that Jesus knows and understands my pain in a way many do not. I know there are many others out there suffering as I am. My heart hurts for them. It's more than physical pain that comes with chronic illness. Mental exhaustion, emotional exhaustion, guilt for not being able to perform as a whole person, the death of dreams, the death of even simple plans that others take for granted. I can't always go to the grocery store when I need to. There are times when I put it off for days because I just don't have what it takes to undertake the chore - especially if I try to plan meals and make a list in an effort to spend less money. I have to reserve my energy and strength for necessities which leaves very little time and energy for "fun" things. Even vacations are more work than simply staying at home. It usually takes me a good week to recuperate from going out of town. And when I am on vacation I have to be careful not to over-do...which means saying "I can't" more times than my family wants to hear. I've learned to limit myself in order to be able to function for a handful of necessary day to day activities. Even thinking about things or trying to decide what to do and what not to do can be exhausting.

While I'm thankful I have my writing, there are times when I get writer's block because of all the things left undone until I'm physically able to get to them.

I guess the bottom line for me today, though, is my emotional weakness. I hate feeling weepy. I hate snapping at those I love. I hate being angry with myself for my limitations and angry at others for not seeing them and offering to help and angry because even if they did offer to help there are too many things I need to do myself. They're my jobs and I need to do them. It's frustrating and I hate feeling this way.

Then, there's the mysterious anxiety issues that come to plague me at times. I hate walking around with a knot in my stomach for no apparent reason. I hate the feelings of dread that seem to have no foundation. It makes me edgy and I hate that, too.

All in all, it's been a physically, emotionally, mentally, exhausting day. Honestly, if it weren't for needing to take care of my boys, I'd crawl in bed and sleep the days away.

I know venting doesn't change my situation, but sometimes I just need to get it out of my system. Thanks for caring enough to listen.