The Old and the New

I must say that 2008 has been challenging. Filled with trials and triumphs, it has made me weaker. You read right. Weaker. But that's a good thing. God's word says, "When I am weak, then am I strong." and "...His strength is made perfect in weakness." Yes, I've become weaker through the trials, and yet my trust in Christ is stronger. I realize more with each passing day that I am nothing and Christ is everything. I'm learning that life is meaningless...unless you know Christ and realize that HE is what matters in life, as well as in death.

I enjoyed a few days of incredible joy a couple weeks ago. God showed me during those days what it means to have the joy of the Lord as my strength. I felt invincible and I thought at the time that God must be preparing me for the days ahead. I didn't miss my mark. These last two weeks have been some of the most trying of the year and, quite honestly, I've had to battle with depression.

Three times, I've had ripped open infected emotional wound that all chronically ill people contend with - loved ones who just don't understand how sick you are simply because you look healthy. They have no idea how debilitating this disease is. I'm accused of not wanting to go to church, not wanting to help my extended family when they need me, not taking care of my house, my husband, and my kids like I should...the list goes on. I know that I'm not alone in this. I know that all chronically ill people suffer with this to an extent. And, sometimes, I almost wish I had cancer instead. People would take my illness seriously, then.

It's not that I want pity. I just want to be understood and believed. When I say I can't because I'm sick, I don't need for people to make me feel guilty over something I have no control. I do a good enough job of that myself. Yet, because I look healthy, I'm made to feel like a liar - always having to justify my actions or decisions to one person or another. That hurts...especially when it comes from the people I love the most.

What most people don't get is that this illness is deadly. It will either kill you slowly in a torturous manner, or it will kill you quickly. John's college professor dropped dead from a fast growing Lyme induced brain tumor. Another lady died in her sleep at the age of 41 - her heart stopped in her sleep. Two Missouri girls who went to camp together both returned with Lyme infected tick bites. One of them suffers with Lyme today while the other died within a year.

This is a serious illness and it needs to be taken seriously by those who love us. I don't know how many times I've come close to death, but I can tell you there have been many times I felt like I was on its doorstep...times when others expected to receive a phone call any day.

But, apparently, God has a purpose in keeping me alive. And, if for no other reason, I want to live for my boys. Who will understand what they go through or take their illness seriously better than me? Nobody. So, until God calls me home, I will live to get them the help they need to hopefully heal them from this terrible disease that is slowly destroying their bodies. They are gifted boys and I want them to be able to use their abilities to glorify the Lord. And if that's my only purpose in life, then that gives me reason to live.

But, I was speaking of the last two weeks. In two weeks time, I've battled with accusations of not doing my duty by the Lord or my loved ones; my boys and I have been betrayed and rejected by a special family member; my husband has been ridiculed for standing by me and the boys and not leaving us; I've been taking care of sickies over Christmas and beyond - kids with stomach flu, respiratory influenza, and pneumonia; we've gone through a power outage with the boys all running fevers; I lost my laptop with all my writing and pictures on it to a malicious virus on the internet (thank God I backed it all up - mostly); I'm sick with influenza myself; my husband is officially unemployed tomorrow; my plans for a fun Christmas break with the boys has been blown to smithereens; and, once again, we can't celebrate the new year with our church family because of illness. Happy New Year, right?

Then, I'm reminded that Jesus was despised and rejected by men. His own people, family and friends, were the first to mock, reject, even betray Him. He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. If anyone ever knew about physical, mental, emotional pain and anguish, it was Jesus. He knows. Jesus knows!

When the pain becomes too much to bear, Jesus understands. He holds me. He cries with me. He prays for me. He loves me through it every time. He is my friend who sticks closer than a brother. And that's what gets me through it all.

He gives me the strength to endure; the hope to see beyond what I can see; the faith to believe that with God all things are possible and that all things WILL be made beautiful in its time. He is my rock and my fortress, my very present help in every kind of trouble. He is my comforter and sustainer. He is my promise keeper.

There is no one who knows me and understands what I go through more than Jesus. There is no one who pleads to the Father on my behalf more than He. How can I not find joy and strength in that?

I admit that I'm glad 2008 is nearly behind me. And honestly, I don't look forward to 2009. But, I find comfort and strength in knowing that no matter where I go, Jesus Christ goes with me - carrying me, holding me, providing for all my needs. And when I can't see the way, I pray He will always give me faith to believe in what I cannot see.

So, as I enter the year 2009, I don't make any resolutions. I pray.

I pray that God will have mercy on me and my family; that He will give us the faith and the wisdom we need to live each day; that He will continue to provide for our needs; that, somehow, we will be able to shine as His light to the world around us no matter what trials He gives us to endure.

I also pray that you will be blessed in this new year with a solid, unwavering faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; that you will learn more of His loving-kindness through the trials you face in the coming year; that you will be a shining light in the midst of the dark world you live in.

And, I pray that together, we will shatter the grip of disbelief that holds captive the world around us.

God bless you and give you a truly happy new year!

~Linnette R Mullin