Losing it. Again...

This is not one of those pretty moments. It's an ugly moment. The kind of moment we all have, I know, but when it's your moment, it feels more desperate than anybody else's. Am I right?

Every time I feel strength returning, something comes along to snatch it away again. Can I press on? Can I keep pressing on? I don't really have a choice.

Do I doubt God's goodness? No. He is always good no matter what this life brings. Sin is the cause of all this destruction. Not Got. Do I ask why? Of course. More recently my "why" has been turning into "how". How do I press on? How much do I have to take? How did I get here? How do I find my way home?

Jesus. Yes, I know he's the answer. A wonderful answer. But there's still the book of James. This is when my "how" turns into "what". What does God expect of me? What does he want from me? I know he wants my heart, my love, my devotion. But what does that look like? What does it look like for me? Again. The book of James.

I don't want to live a resigned existence. I want to live a fulfilled life. I don't want to struggle every moment of every day. Can't I get a break? It's hard to find the hope and courage one needs when the fiery arrows keep flying and discouragement overwhelms you. Hard to catch your breath when the tide keeps sucking you down.

Then, I get angry. I'm angry with myself for feeling the way I do. I'm angry that I can't just get up and do what I need to do. I'm angry that I have to think about and rethink about and remind myself about every little thing. It's exhausting and I still forget things.

Grasping at air. Futility. Ecclesiastes. Life is supposed to be about seasons, but my season never seems to change. So I struggle. Live life in limbo as the rest of the world rotates on. I'm losing my grip again, flailing to find the hand hold that was just there. Where did it go? Why is it always moving? Why is my grip always slipping?

And we're back to why. Why does life toss me around like a feather in the wind? Why can't the anchor hold long enough for me to stabilize? Why is it that every time I grab a hold of it, I lose it. Again...