Pain ~ What Do I Do With It?

~ by Linnette R Mullin, Author ~ All Rights Reserved

It's been a while since I've posted. Life has been crazy, busy, and unbelievably hard. There are always highlights. There are always the roses along the vine of life and they do dull the pain of the thorns. But I get weary. You know? Life is toilsome and wearisome. Thank God I have heaven to look forward to. No more pain. No more tears. I long for the day.

We've had one sickness after another in our family and my body has had enough. I tried to lay down to rest. All I could think about was the pain. My body is exhausted. It needs rest. Real rest. Everlasting rest. But it's not time, yet. I have work I must finish here first. I have boys who need me. Three are entering adulthood in the next four years. And I just landed a contract for my first novel. I'm excited. I experienced a euphoria I haven't felt in years. God is good and I'm confident he will use my novel to help others. But my body is tired. Internally, it is battered and  broken. I'm not sure there's any healing for it in this life.

I'm so numb with over-all body pain that something has to really scream at me to tell me a pain is different or new. As I laid in my bed to rest earlier, my internal pain was having a hissy fit. My organs hurt. I think even my lungs hurt now, along with the muscle wall to my rib-cage. That's new. At least as far as I can tell. I'd be curious to have my body studied once I'm gone. I'd like to know what they'd find... see the affects of life long, possibly congenital, Lyme's disease. My muscles hurt. My joints are starting to pain me. My nerve flares make me feel like my skin is constantly burning with electrical fire worse than ever before. I can feel every layer of my skin.

Beyond the constant mounting of my pain level, I'm exhausted. Some days I'm so weak I can barely hold myself up. I used to tremble a lot. I still have spells of trembling, but somehow I think I'm beyond that. I'm too weak to even tremble. I literally have to think about making my body hold itself up. Not always, but far too often. I don't know how to describe it to help you understand what I'm saying. I just... I have to think about it. I can't walk across the room and think about other things. I have to think about walking or I'll run into things or stumble around like a drunk person. I have to really focus to keep my balance. I'm just thankful my legs aren't giving out on me. Yet. I'm also losing appetite and losing weight. Losing weight is good. I'm just not sure its good to lose it this way.

There are a gazillion questions that run through my mind. Cancer? Malnutrition? Infections? Damage from infections or meds or die-off or all of it? I don't know what the source of my pain is anymore. I haven't been in treatment for over a year now. Did I mention the rash that popped up after I quit treatment? It was partly fungal, but it's deeper than that. At a glance, a former doctor thinks its a Bartonella rash. Don't know.

I simply don't know anymore. What do I do? We don't have money to run test after test just for the doctors to tell me they don't know what's wrong with me. It's all very frustrating and overwhelming. We simply don't have money. And I don't have energy to do all that running back and forth to a doctor. Even the people who go the nutritional route... there are so many varying opinions between them all until
I don't know which way to turn. My research leaves me exhausted, frustrated, and ready to give up. Just let me crawl into my bed, curl into a ball surrounded by layers of warm, cozy blankets, and go home to Jesus. But it doesn't work that way, does it?

There is one thing I do know.

Some day, heaven...