Confession #2
Lyme disease killed my biggest dream and I mourn the loss every day.
As a young woman, my only career goals were to be a good and Godly wife and mother. I wanted to encourage, love, and support my husband. I wanted to teach my kids all about Jesus. I wanted to homeschool them and give them the best opportunities possible. I wanted to fill their bellies with yummy, nutritious food. I wanted to keep a perfect house and bake cookies for them every week. I wanted to do and be so many things. I could see this dream play out in my head, yet day after day, failure after failure, illness after illness that dream crumbled, eroded, and died at my feet.
There isn't a day that goes by in which I don't mourn the loss of my dreams in some form or fashion. The hopelessness and helplessness I feel as I strive to do the things I should (and could do if I were healthy), but can't is so overwhelming. Just like I can't bring a loved one back from the grave, neither can I be the person I once was or the person I once dreamed of becoming. It is a loss that never ends.
I must take comfort in God's grace. Only Jesus can give me the faith and confidence that God knows all about it, that he loves me and will do what is best for me. He reminds me that I can trust him. I must trust him and in the new dreams he has birthed in me.
Is it easy to trust that this is all for my good? No. Do I ever stop grieving the loss of my former dreams? No. It effects me and my family in very tangible ways every single day. Do I wallow in self-pity over something I have no control over? Sometimes. Frequently. Too often. Do I believe God's plan for me is better than my own? I do believe it, but I constantly pray for God to help when I don't believe it.
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9, ESV
Do you have crushed dreams? Do you trust God with them?
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